After some wine and some meditation – I made a decision. Instead of my primary focus being on novel writing with other writing being secondary – I’m going to reverse my focus – sort of. Actually novel writing is not even going to be secondary – it’s going to be put on the shelf and given no energy until the new year.
Then I can reassess. Do I want to pick novel writing back up or keep it on the shelf until I stop working at a job?
Really there was no decision to make – because once I had the thought it resonated completely throughout the entire part of me that is devoted to writing.
I have struggled for a long time now with creating worlds and staying in them long enough to finish an entire novel. It just doesn’t happen in my life as it is.
And, yes, due to the most recent light shed on a corner of my psyche that was formerly in darkness –
that being that my grandfather used to put his hand on my wavy hair and say “such a pretty little girl” (vomit) on his path towards sexually abusing me at 6 & 7
and all these years since I react with fear and suspicion anytime someone sees me and thinks I am anything related to pretty –
part of why I don’t finish novels and get published and be successful down that path is because – I would have to be seen.
I can’t have that. Or I couldn’t – past tense.
A writer can be successful sticking with short stories, poetry and essays though. And I can finish those. And enjoy the process. And I don’t have the same reservations about reading them for critique. Which means I can continue in Pinellas Writers.
Also – I am loving the thing I started of a collage – poem combo.
I have to find sources of material for collages, though.
Anyway – enough. I am decided.
Pinellas Writers you’re not going to be rid of me after all.
I like to finish with a song. This has nothing to do with the content above. It is a random earworm stuck in my brain lately. Who knows why...
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